Friday, January 29, 2010

I'm changing my priorities...

I'm giving up on women. FOR NOW.

Even since I was a teenager, and maybe even a couple years before that, my number one concern in life was finding a girl. I'd think about how I'd try to become financially secure (and then some), or what I'd do for a living, or how to spend my free time, but eventually it'd all come back to same thing. Finding someone to love, someone to love ME. If I did that, it wouldn't matter how everything else would turn out. I'd be happy, I'd have accomplished everything I wanted to do with my life. As long as we got each other, we got the world spinnin' right in our hands.

As you may know, that hasn't worked out too well. It's been 15+ years and I'm still alone. It sucks. Trust me, you don't know how good you've got it. Even if you think you do, you don't. I'd give anything to just have a few moments like that.

Now, a large part of this is probably my fault (Who am I kidding? It is ALL my fault.). I've fallen for girls that didn't like me that way. For girls who didn't like me, period. Girls who are way too out of reach. Celebrities. And when I do find one and things start going well, like maybe "this is the one", I kill it before it even has a chance. You know that analogy of holding a dove too tight and it dies? Yeah...

Making things worse (at least, in my own mind), all my friends from college have gotten married. Some to people they knew since elementary school. Some to their high school sweethearts. Some to people they met in college. And they all got married pretty young. In most cases, at or before 25. They keep telling me that those situations are the exceptions to the rule, and if I'm patient, I'll find my one. But when you look around and see exceptions everywhere, it's hard to understand what the rules truly are.

No one's pushing me to settle down and find someone, but I still feel this incredible amount of pressure to do so. Maybe I just watch too much TV and expect my life to be scripted in a similar manner. Maybe I just spend too much time inside my own head. Maybe I'm not meant to be with anyone.

Well, for 2010, I'm not gonna let this bother me. Because I'm not even gonna try. I practically couldn't care less about it. I could, but I highly doubt it.

I have something more important to worry about this year: leaving Fargo and moving to the Twin Cities. Sure that doesn't sound like much, but everything I'm focusing on will help me achieve that goal before the end of the year. Trying to endure one more year at my current place of employment. Taking a .NET course online. Searching for a job. I don't know if I'll find what I'm looking for down there, but I know my chances of finding it here are effectively zero.

Sure, accomplishing all this will help me find someone eventually. But I'm not doing this for them, I'm doing it for me. I need to take care of myself, doing the things that make me happy (or maybe just less miserable). Who wants to be around a pissed-off, angry white male all the time? Besides, even if I found someone tomorrow, no matter how well it'd go over the next 12 months, it's not gonna change my plans. I'm moving to the Cities. And if you don't want to, it's over. It wouldn't be fair to that other person to present them with that kind of ultimatum, so why bother?

I don't know if things will actually change once I get down there. I'd like to think so. Many, many more fish out in that sea. I'm sure I can find one that shares many of my interests (Twins, Gophers, video games, golf, modern rock music, etc.) that I do. I can't imagine being in any major metropolitan area and still not being able to find someone. That's just wrong.

Ladies, if you're out there, sorry. I'm off the market. Come back in a year, then we'll talk. Until then, do what I'm doing. Take care of yourself, so you can be in a better position to find your someone.

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