Wednesday, December 26, 2007

You're a mean one, Mr. Grinch...

I hate Christmas. Thank god it's almost over.

From the constant Christmas-themed craptastic marathons to the crazy busy stores to the unnecessarily cheery people... I just can't stand it. I wish everyone would treat it like it was any other day and not make a big deal about it.

Not to mention that it totally fucks with my birthday (the 29th). NO ONE is ever around to come celebrate with me. Thanks mom, thanks dad. I hope that tax break was worth the pain and suffering you've caused me for the past 27 years, and the next 50 as well.

That being said, there are a few things I DO like about Christmas.

1. Carol of the Bells - What other Christmas carol could be described as intense? Those Eastern Europeans sure do know how to write a catchy little ditty.
2. Santa hats - Almost all hats are cool. Unless they have a white "NY" logo on them. If only Target would have had them in stock.
3. Time off from work. I get two days for Christmas. Unfortunately, almost all other John Deere factories and offices are closed for the entire week.
4. Bonus money. Got $2400 this year. Then Uncle Sam decided that I needed to get him a birthday present. Spend it wisely... oh wait, I forgot, the Democrats are in Congress. That ain't gonna happen.

Even in this joyous season, I can find plenty to complain about. Maybe I should start celebrating Festivus instead. I already got the Airing of Grievances down. Just have to pin Frank for the Feats of Strength...

Friday, December 14, 2007

Somewhere I Belong

You know, it's weird. I've been playing World of Warcraft off and on for the past two years now, and it seems like Azeroth is the only place where I've felt like I truly belonged.

My buddies Vern and Jared had talked me into joining them in Azeroth, and as soon as I had started, I was invited to The Wolves of Azeroth. No questions asked. Ard and Cith were glad to have me as a member. And as the months progressed, everyone in The Wolves were more than willing to help me out with anything and everything (except, of course, RUNNING the guild, but that's another story...).

It's still a little weird to be back with none of them around. But I found some people to latch onto and suck the life out of... I mean, um, hang out with... Lan and Sina are doing their darnest to twink me out so I can play with them on a daily basis. And it's always a ball to talk with them on Vent and listen to them bitch and moan and talk shit to each other. Most fun I've had in ages.

Dynasty will never be like The Wolves. But I think I'm finally somewhere I belong, once again...

Tuesday, December 11, 2007

I usually don't blog from work, but three thoughts crossed my mind this afternoon:

1. I had a note on my cell phone stating "It doesn't matter how powerful your engines are if they don't have any fuel." I have no idea what this statement refers to, and I wish I did, since I think it's poignant.

2. Sheryl Crow was a little more enjoyable in her early years, when she was kind of dark and brooding.

3. I wish I has my own personal photographer, just to follow me around the halls with my digital camera and take candid shots of me while I do my job, then post those pics on the Internet in some kind of quasi-artsy display. Even better if those pics were black and white.

Monday, December 10, 2007

Coming on stronger than ever before!

One of the things I love about the 80's...

Alvin and the Chimpunks


Friday, November 23, 2007

The Cuban Crusher, the voodoo man with a bad attitude

Dennis Haysbert, you can try to be President of the United States of America. You can be leader of The Unit. You can even try to sell me car insurance. But you will always be Cleveland Indians slugger Pedro Cerrano to me. In fact, you're one of my two favorite Indian players of all-time, with the other being Travis Hafner (only because he's from North Dakota).

Thursday, November 22, 2007

Thanks for nothing

Dear Torii,

You had a chance to become the greatest center fielder in Twins history. But instead, you decided to throw it away and go to Anaheim. Sure, you weren't the big attraction for the team. Morneau, Santana, and Mauer are better than you and more beloved in Minnesota, but you were the face of our franchise. You were the leader when the Twins won 4 division titles in 7 years. You helped make this team a contender again.

I guess it's true; every man has his price. I just didn't think it'd be $90 million.

Monday, November 19, 2007

No, wrong

Morgan Webb does not work with light brunette hair.

Go back to black!!

The two faces of 007

Every time I watch a Bond film starring Sean Connery, and I see the present-day Connery in another movie, I have some trouble believing it's the same man. He might sound the same, but those are two very distinctive looks.

Of course, when you're one of the top 10 actors of all-time, you can do whatever you want to your appearance.

Sunday, November 18, 2007

What's a night elf to do?

After a nearly nine month hiatus, I have returned to the World of Warcraft. Mostly to keep myself occupied during the upcoming North Dakota winter, but also to reconnect with some friends I made in-game.

Things have changed a lot since I left at the end of January. Most of my guildies recently took time off, and those few that are still around have pretty much moved on. I can't say that I blame them; it'd be silly to expect them all to put their virtual lives on hold while waiting on me.

After waiting a couple of days for an guild invite to Warcraftier that never came (most of my friends join them after we dissolved our guild), I hooked up with Dynasty, which has some of my friends from my Molten Core raid. And although I'm starting to feel comfortable and accepted by their members, I still feel like I'm on the outside looking in.

In the 10 months since The Burning Crusade came out, most of them have had ample opportunity to farm rep., learn the strategies, gear up, and go raiding. I was gone, so I'm nowhere near they're at, and I have no ida what to do about it.

I only reached level 70 a couple of weeks ago. I need to spend several more weeks getting my reputation up so I can purchase alchemy recipes. I need better equipment. I don't have an elite flying mount (I got about 600 of the 5000 golod necessary to purchase one). And I want to wrap up as many quests in the 5-man dungeons as I can.

There lies the problem. I'm a non-raider in a raiding guild. In fact, since I returned, I've had interest from 3-4 raiding guilds for my services (all of which has some of my former guildies (The Wolves of Azeroth) or MC raid members (Ayedtt's Raiders). I can't find guildies to run 5-mans with me, cuz they're all raiding or running heroic 5-mans (which I might be able to do, but they aren't doing the ones I need). The worst part is, I'm a hunter, so players like me are a nickel a dozen (that's right, a nickel, not a dime)

I've tried using the Looking For Group tool, and I've had some success. I've managed to find a few good groups and complete some runs. But most of the time, my groups fall apart before we even get started because we can't find a healer and/or a tank, so I have to re-queue. In addition, I've had some problems joining the LookingForGroup channel manually, so I can't monitor the chat and find a group for more than three locations at a time (a limitation of the LFG tool). Finally, I can't join a group for an instance outside of my level range using the LFG tool, so I won't auto-join groups going to Slave Pens, or even Lower Blackrock Spire (still got a couple of pre-BC quests in there I want to finish out). I spoke to a GM about this issue, but he wasn't much help. I ask my guildies in Dynasty for help, but my requests are usually met with silence (not that they're purposely ignoring me, they just aren't interested in running something they've done a couple dozen times before, or are busy... yup, you guessed it... raiding).

It's almost enough to make me quit. Again. But that won't solve anything. I'd just fall further behind. I could try to convince my former guildies to come back, but I've never been a very pursuasive person, and I doubt they'd want to invest the time and money needed to get me out of pre-raid limbo.

The next expansion, The Wrath of the Lich King, might solve some of these issues, since it somewhat puts everyone on equal footing again, so we all start at the same point to try to get into the raids. But that's at least a year off.

I'm going to talk to some people, get some advice, figure out what to do next. Until then, I guess I just have to continue my work to get ready for raiding. Maybe finish leveling up my pally (he's 64 right now). Maybe do a little PvP. Maybe get my reps up so I can finish my work in alchemy. And continue to wait for those groups to form up.

Now I know how all these pro athletes feel when they come out of retirement to play with the big boys again.
My dad has never been a good speller. Since I was young, he'd always ask me or my mom for help with spelling words. Even when he's got a perfectly functional spell check feature in his word processor.

This morning, he needed help spelling "insert". After my mom helped him out, I pointed out to him that it was on his keyboard.

He didn't think that was very funny. I thought it was hilarious.

Sunday, November 11, 2007

Gopher Pride!

Since I pretty much want nothing to do with my alma mater, I've decided to back the University of Minnesota Golden Gophers.

It's mainly because of this guy. He just cracked me up when I was shopping for golf equipment this spring, and I HAD to have him.

To show my pride for hopping on the Minnesota bandwagon, I bought a couple of U of M t-shirts, and I wear them to work on Fridays.

Gopher Friday. I look forward to it every week. Gotta do something to piss off those idiot Sioux fans.

Thursday, November 1, 2007


You know, I love the guy, I really do. John Cena is the main reason I've been following the WWE for the past two years. He's the absolute best right now. The fire, the passion, the ability, the charisma, the looks, the skills.

And now that he's out with a torn right pectoral tendon, I miss the guy. I really do. It's weird to watch Raw and not see him in the ring. Or without his WWE Championship belt.

However, the WWE is really milking this for everything it's worth. Honestly, I think that's like the sixth video they've posted on their website detailing the injury, surgery, and recovery process. We don't need an update every two weeks. I'm not THAT in love with the guy.

Can't they just wait until after Wrestlemania to hype up his return? I think it can. Leave the guy alone and let him rehab.

Tuesday, October 30, 2007

With Kung-Fu Grip!

I wish I was an action figure. But I have no clue what accessories I would come with? I don't know if I could narrow down my entire personality to two or three items. Probably something to do with computers and sports...

If you had an action figure of yourself, what accessories would you come with? Post a comment and share your thoughts.

Monday, October 29, 2007

If you won't tell her, I will

Sarah Silverman,

You are not funny. You are not clever. You should not be on television. Please find another profession, outside of the entertainment industry, immediately. Thank you.

Sunday, October 28, 2007

Upgrade my ass

Who would ever consider purchasing and installing an operating system upgrade? It's quite possibly the dumbest thing any person on this earth could do.

I'm not just talking about Windows upgrades either. Appearently, Mac users trying to upgrade from Tiger to Leopard are running into the same issues. And I don't recommend upgrading the kernel for your flavor of Linux either. I had graphics issues with my nVidia card a few years back after upgrading my kernel in Fedora Core 3.

If you're going to a new version of your OS, you're going to be better off replacing the hard drive or maybe even getting a new computer. I know that's a bit extreme, but consider the price of new hardware vs. the price of your data, should you lose it.

And always, always, ALWAYS, back up your data before upgrading. I can't stress that enough.

Friday, October 19, 2007

Why I don't care anymore

Usually when I'm helping a customer at work for a prolonged period of time, they'll pop the following question on me:

"Where did you go to school at?"

And I answer. Which leads to a long-winded explanation about how I dislike my alma mater, North Dakota State University.

Two things led me to choosing to go there nearly 10 years ago:
1. Being a North Dakota resident, I got in-state tuition. Not that it was much of a discount. Maybe a couple hundred per semester.
2. This was the clincher. The Bison. My mom also went to NDSU, so I took this side in the near-daily debates in junior high about which team was better, the Bison or the Sioux (in-state rival University of North Dakota).

Unfortunately, after I gradumatated, they made many changes that I disagreed with. The forced resignation of the head of the Computer Science department and subsequent installation of a puppet leader. Turning Churchill Field into a parking lot for heavy machinery while the Memorial Union was expanded. The reorganization of ITS (which lead to the termination of a good acquaintence of mine). Announcing an addition to the Wellness Center 10 minutes after it opened. It just isn't the same school that I was excited to start at in the fall of 1999. Maybe growing up took a little shine off the apple. I could concede that.

The killer though? NDSU deciding to move to Division I athletics.

What the hell were they thinking? Did they have such a hard-on for the increased revenues that they just had to pop that cherry as soon as humanly possible?

I think the Sports Guy, Bill Simmons, proved my point with his October 11th mailbag. He had gotten an e-mail from a friend, describing what a Colorado/Arizona NLCS meant. I quote, "I'm convinced that sports is all about history. If there's history, it's interesting. If not, who cares?"

This is EXACTLY why I don't care any more.

In 1999, the North Central Conference consisted of Northern Colorado, Nebraska-Omaha, South Dakota, South Dakota State, St. Cloud State, Minnesota State Mankato, Augustana, Morningside, North Dakota State, and North Dakota. A very strong conference, capable of generating two to three teams every year to seriously compete for the Division II Football Championship. And no school in that conference had generated more D-II football champions (8) than the Bison. Every year, there were three things you wanted to see as a Bison fan: undefeated season, national championship, and a win against the Sioux.

Heck, even a 1-10 season could have been considered a partial success if that one and only win would have been against UND. As I am fond of saying, "Without villians, there'd be no heroes." NDSU moving to Division I meant that there would be no more Bison/Sioux matchups for the Nickel Trophy (mostly because UND pussed out, but NDSU could have stayed D-II). After more than 100 contests, both regular season and playoffs, there'd be nothing to look forward to every fall (since NDSU could not qualify for the I-AA playoffs due to reclassification).

And North Dakota State at Minnesota IS NOT an acceptable substitute. Why? Again, the history. This week's matchup in the Twin Cities is only the second ever meeting between these two teams. The only people who truly care about the outcome of this game (that won't actually be playing it) are the gomers in North Dakota who are looking for a big upset and the national spotlight. Not going to happen. The Gophers are not on par with the Wolverines. Not now, maybe not ever. ESPN will not sit up and take notice if the Bison knock off the Gophers in the Metrodome.

And it's just not football either. The women's basketball team, which would draw more fans per night then the men's team, was a national D2 powerhouse. 5 titles in 6 years in the early-to-mid 90's. Now? You really think they have a chance against Tennessee? Connecticut? I thought so.

Other teams were on the rise too. The men's basketball was just getting their act together. Now they just have to settle for a lifetime of upsets over teams like Wisconsin and Marquette. Track and field was always strong. I think there are a few individual national champions in there. Women's soccer and men's baseball were also starting to gather steam. Now none of them will ever bring home gold.

The last real tie I had with the school was the NDSU Hockey Club. There had always been talk of starting a hockey program at NDSU. I always thought it could work. They wanted to top-down the effort. A vote to build a stadium for a team that didn't exist. Then someone realized it would have to be bottom-up effort. Start with a competitive club team. Play other club teams. Gradually build up the interest. Problem is, for some reason, people in Fargo don't care about hockey players over the age of 14 (and in some cases, 18). There's a reason one Junior team has left and another one might be on the way out. Title IX didn't help either. Appearently, you have to add both a mens team and womens team, or neither.

Unfortunately, after a couple of seasons, someone dropped the ball. I don't know what happened last year, but no one called me to help out. No one updated the web site. If you don't care, then we don't care.

So, what now? Nothing. It's over. We're through. I just don't care anymore.

Wednesday, October 17, 2007


I've got some friends (well, only one really obnoxious blowhard) who are trying to talk me into moving to the Twin Cities. Which my normal response is "Not until I get 3 years at Phoenix" (I got one already). I won't be 30 AND single AND living in Fargo. 2 out of 3 ain't bad, but 100% is unacceptable.

Anyways, I will only move to the Minneapolis/St. Paul metropolitan area before that under one condition. EVERYONE has to quit their job, so they can star in a series of short, comedic, random videos, directed and written by me.

Your move, chief.

Monday, October 15, 2007


One of the qualities of being a geek is embracing a non-conformist attitude towards major corporations, like Microsoft. One such example is the use of Mozilla Firefox instead of Microsoft Internet Explorer

Well, I'm such a non-conformist, that I'm not going to conform with the rest of you. In fact, I totally reject their non-conformity.

That's why I embrace IE. If you let me use your PC, I will use Internet Explorer to surf the web. If you don't have it installed, I will install it for you. And if you're running Linux, I'll just go find another computer (or whip out my own).

Besides, you should stay current on operating system patches and keep your virus protection software up-to-date (and shame on you if you don't have any at all).

I'm the biggest non-conformist of all. They're all a bunch of Nazi, conformist cheerleaders...

Friday, October 12, 2007

I don't want to sound insensitive, but...

Are deaf people capable of generating audible laughter? They, like all people, must have a sense of humor. They could be tickled. And some of them might like to smoke the marijuana. They could do other things to express their amusement, like clap. But are they ABLE to laugh? Can someone please tell me?

Wednesday, October 10, 2007

Good lord, what are they thinking?

They want to hold the 10,000 Lakes Festival and WE Fest two weeks apart? Are they nuts? What the hell? This sounds like one of the worst ideas EVER!!

Tuesday, October 2, 2007

Brilliant idea number one bazillion

This is the solution to all the spoiled, young, drunken, coked-up, stupid, slutty, talentless whores in Hollywood.

Now, I know Samuel L. Jackson is busy being in almost every movie ever, but I don't think Dave Chappelle is busy. And those whores are stupid; you could easily trick Paris, Lindsay, or Britney into a situation where one could secure their body to a tree with a heavy chain. They just have to stay there until they get all the junk out of their systems and regain some sanity.

It'll be a thousand percent more effective then that "rehab" they have been going through.

But the problem with this idea, like the rest of my ideas, is that it's so brilliant, nobody knows what to do next. They just stand in awe, but don't do anything about it. I need some lackeys to carry out my bidding.

Sunday, September 30, 2007

Anyone who knows me, knows that I hate "reality" shows. Detest them, abhor them. Most worthless garbage on television.

However, with that being said, I feel that Gene Simmons and his clan are quite possibly (and maybe even most definitely) the most normal family on the face of the earth.

This kind of observation might make me a hypocrite. After careful consideration, I think I might be OK with that.

Thursday, September 27, 2007

So, these are your Big Shots: Michael Vartan (from Alias), Dylan McDermott (from The Practice), Christopher Titus (stand-up comic), and Joshua Molina (from Sports Night and The West Wing).

Wow, that is a really solid cast. No huge stars, but if this show takes off, they could make some serious bank.

I could get behind this. I just hope it doesn't turn into the LAST drama I tried to watch on ABC.

Monday, September 24, 2007

Top ten favorite beverages

In no particular order:

Milk, OJ, Pepsi, grape juice, Budweiser, ice cold water, lemonade, Jagbomb, Coke (from a soda fountain), chocolate milk (self-mixed)

Warning - Political Humor Ahead

Iranian President Ahmadoucheabag is in New York City and wants to meet with the family members of 9/11 victims.

I really hope that one of them is an ultra-Christian, who pushes the whole "Christianity is about forgiveness", then starts hounding him about converting to the teachings of Jesus. And the whole thing is caught on tape, shown repeatly around the world.

Sunday, September 23, 2007

Dang kids...

What kind of idiots waste their time trying to turn peanut butter into diamonds? Don't they have better things to do?

Saturday, September 22, 2007

The solution to all of life's problems

You know what my neighborhood needs? A liquor store. Sure, Happy Harry's is only about 2 miles away on 45th Street, but it's rarely along my normal driving routes. And I hate going out of my way for tasty alcoholic beverages.

Friday, September 21, 2007

I saw that coming a mile away...

It was all an act. Nobody's that fucked up.

Wednesday, September 19, 2007

Ladies and gentlemen, good evening

That is the understatement of the year. It was a fuckin' awesome evening. Josey Scott and the rest of Saliva put on one hell of a show at The Venue at Playmakers in Fargo. Well worth the $9.87 for admission.

Mr. Scott, I am going to hold you to your promise of returning to Fargo for another concert. I never got a chance to thank you in person for the amazing performance. Regardless, you have a fan for life (or until the moment that you release two terrible albums in a row, whichever comes first).

Saturday, September 15, 2007

Rock and a hard place

Hypothetical situation...

You're the No. 3 Division I-A Football team in the nation (sorry, I will never accept the new NCAA Football Bowl and Championship Subdivision monikers). You went 11-0 and won your conference championship. The No. 1 and 2 teams also went 11-0 and won their conferences as well. It's bowl season. Here are your options:

-- Accept the traditional bowl invitation and play the No. 2 team.
-- Accept the invitation to another equally prestigious bowl to play the No. 1 team.

You can't play both. And either way, the highest you'd move is No. 2. What the hell do you do?

Freakin' NCAA.

Thursday, September 13, 2007

Capitalism sucks

It's sad there are as many Tupac Shakur albums released from when he was alive as there are from after his death. I understand the guy was a legend, but c'mon. You can't need a buck that badly.

Wednesday, September 12, 2007

Certaintly dodged a bullet there...

More than 8 years ago, when I was young and naive, I decided to worship at the Altar of Britney. I admit, it was the Rolling Stone cover. And it was not pretty. My obession was borderline unhealthy. Like finding her home address and sending her a 20-page letter.

Fortunately, I grew out of that phase in a little more than a year. Mostly because she finally admitted to a serious relationship with Super Fucknut himself. I hated him and everything he stood for at that time. Britney would have to choose. Him or me. But I made the choice for her. I gave up and moved on.

After they broke up, she pretty much when down a shame spiral. Made some bad music. Married an numbnutted fucktard. Had kids. Got drunk all the time. Hung out with tramps and whores. Shaved her head. I could go on, but I'm sure you know all about it.

To think, I could have ended up like this guy...


Sunday, September 2, 2007


So, we have Jimmy Kimmel to "thank" for unleashing Carson Daly on the world. Nice...

Friday, August 31, 2007

Corporations are good!

So, Dairy Queen, GEICO, Fruit of the Loom, and World Book Encyclopedia are owned by the same company. Who knew?

It's fun to learn stuff.

Monday, August 27, 2007

Cleveland 8, Minnesota 3

That's it. It's done, it's over. See you in '08.

Sunday, August 12, 2007

Today is the day that you showed me where your true loyalties lie. You don't look out for anyone but yourself. And that will be your undoing. Every time you ask for my help from now on, I'll mention how you decided to throw a fit instead of come to my aid.

You will never forget what happened on August 12, 2007. Because I won't let you.

Sunday, August 5, 2007

Caveat emptor

For those of you who do not know Latin: Let the Buyer Beware.

Do not buy a set of golf clubs from a company that does not have an operational web site or a phone number on the box when you want to make a warranty claim. It's a lesson I'm learning the hard way this summer (the first of hopefully many spent on the links). Maybe it's what I get for a $200 set of clubs. And I understand that golf is not a cheap sport; I also play hockey, and that was also an initial investment of $300+ to get started. But if the name of your product includes the word "Durable", then they should last me more than three months.

Conversely, kudos to the folks at Mills Fleet Farm for giving me a new 3 Wood when mine broke. Twice. Excellent customer service has diminshed, but not removed, the bitter taste this experience has left me.

Friday, August 3, 2007

They're pulling me back in!!

Ever since I decided to stop playing World of Warcraft, at the end of January 2007, some of my in-game friends have been constantly asking me when I'm coming back.

Well, here's your answer:

It'll be at least a year until it comes out. But I'll be ready. I owe that little whiny pussy, Arthas, a SERIOUS beating.

Tuesday, July 31, 2007

A journey of a lifetime comes to an end

I have finished the seventh and final book in the Harry Potter series. And I'm kinda proud of it.

If you plan to read the complete series, you have 2 months to finish it before I start ruining the ending for you. All of August, all of September. That's 61 days. Plenty of time. The first three books will take about 2-3 days each, the fourth through seventh about 6-9 days each. That's anywhere from 30 to 45 days for all seven. Factor in the remaining summer month, and school starting in a few weeks, you've have more than enough time to pound it out.

In honor of today, which would be Harry Potter's 27th birthday, I am posting this link to my comments on the series finale.

Be warned: the link contains plenty of spoilers. If you don't want to know what happens, don't click on the link.

Wednesday, July 25, 2007

Gotta catch 'em all!!

In the world of Pokémon, do police forces use Pokémon to catch criminals? We've seen groups like Team Rocket use them for evil. And standard police forces use dogs for sniffing for bombs or drugs, tracking missing persons, or attacking targets. Why not use a Pikachu instead of a taser?

And how about firefighters using Water Pokémon to fight fires?

But I'm sure they draw the line at military forces. I don't see Jigglypuff having much success against anti-American forces in the Middle East...

Tuesday, July 24, 2007

Crawling in the Dark

You know, I would just wish someone would give me a straight answer and tell me if Omar, Jennifer, and Jesse would be coming back this fall.

Monday, July 23, 2007

Friday, July 20, 2007

Male bovine excrement

People are "applauding" Major League Baseball Commissioner Bud Selig for finally deciding to attend Barry Bonds' games while Bonds approaches Hank Aaron's career homerun record.

For those of you who don't follow baseball, here's how this works. Aaron has 755 career home runs. As of this moment, Bonds has 753. Barry Bonds plays for the San Francisco Giants. The Giants are playing in Milwaukee, Wisconsin this weekend. Before becoming the commissioner, Bud Selig owned the Milwaukee Brewers (commissioners are not allowed to own a team).

Bud Selig did not step up to the plate to honor Barry Bonds. The plate came to him. He's not being respectful of the accomplishment, he's being a lazy son of a bitch. Bud was not willing to travel across the country to follow the chase for the record, so he just waited for the chase to come to him.

Hey, while you're at it, why don't you try to contract the Minnesota Twins again. Or cave into another players' strike. A-Rod needs $89 million dollars a year to play third base in New York.

Sunday, July 15, 2007


Why would Eric Cartman be convinced that 9/11 is a conspiracy theory? He's anti-Hippie, so he leans towards conservative Republicans. And he's anti-Muslim, claiming them to all be terrorists. Sounds like an ultraconservative nutjob...

Well, never mind...

Eric is a nutjob to begin with.

Saturday, July 14, 2007

So, Trojan Condoms has been running a new commercial (maybe the first in a series), advertising their product with the tagline "Evolve."

Now, I'm no expert here, for I am neither a medical professional, nor a biologist, nor intimately familiar with the inner workings of the human female, but I would think that Trojans are counterproductive to the act of evolution...

Friday, July 13, 2007

The best part

There is one thing that I'll miss about my house once we sell it. The frogs/toads that sit in my front lawn at 11:00 at night. They make me as giddy as a schoolgirl. Hee hee!!

Saturday, July 7, 2007

In memorium

OK, I'm back. Today, we will honor our fallen comrades...

Derrick DeWilde: August 10, 2001
John Maxwell: August 17, 2002
Nate Schafer: December 27, 2003
Brian Freeman: May 30, 2004
Vern Smith: August 21, 2004
Paul Buchanan: June 4, 2005
John Breneman: May 5, 2007
James Karg: June 9, 2007
Jason Novacek: June 30, 2007
Greg Poziembo: October 6, 2007 (OK, he's not dead yet, but he might as well be).

Tuesday, June 12, 2007


Well, until about 10 minutes ago, I WAS working on this most excellent post, but thanks to stupid auto-save, I lost the whole thing when I fat-fingered the delete button and wiped out the whole thing.

So, until I get over how much this fucking thing sucks, I'm not blogging.

See you next month.

Saturday, June 2, 2007

Another mystery solved

As a fan of Weezer, I keep hearing about all these Modern Rock/Indie Rock radio stations that have been going under or changing formats over the last 2-3 years.

I just realized why. The people who would have normally tuned into those stations (like myself), own iPods or listen to satellite radio. Since I bought an FM transmitter for my iPod, I haven't listened to a terrestial radio station in my car for more than two years. I had a radio in my office last summer/fall, until the owner of said radio took it back into his possession.

Sometimes, I even amaze myself with my powers of deductive reasoning.

It just doesn't do it for me

Every time I see an advertisement for Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer, featuring a blonde-haired, blue-eyed Jessica Alba, I find myself thinking "That's just not right." She should stick with her brunette locks and deep brown eyes.

Thursday, May 24, 2007

Another bright idea!

This is what the Hamill sisters should have done with their lives...

I'd buy that. They could do it. They could totally do it.

Tuesday, May 22, 2007

It's just wrong!

$64.10 for tickets to the upcoming Nickelback/Staind concert in the Alerus Center in Grand Forks.

For that much, I should get THREE tickets to that concert.

I could go to three Twins games for that much. I could put 20 gallons of gasoline in my car for that much (which is wrong itself, but I digress). I could play World of Warcraft for 4 months for that much. I could hit about 900 golf balls at The Meadows driving range for that much.


Wednesday, May 16, 2007

Note to self

Do not install Energizer e² Lithium Batteries in a TI-82 calculator.

Nothing bad will happen. The display will just be too dark to do anything with it.

Sunday, May 6, 2007

I can't believe it, either

This weekend, I met Dustin White. Yes, THE Dustin White. And it changed my life FOREVER.

Saturday, May 5, 2007

X definitely is an unknown variable

So, after watching almost 2 straight hours of X-Play on G4, I'm still trying to figure this one out.

Are hosts Adam Sessler and Morgan Webb too cool to be spending their time reviewing video games, or are they just nerdy geeks and no one has told them yet?

Saturday, April 21, 2007

It's over. Again.

I may have mentioned this before, but poker is lame. When Chris Moneymaker turned $40 in an online tournament into $2.5 million and a 2003 World Series of Poker championship bracelet, every frat member, middle-aged fat guy, and idiot with a pair of sunglasses and a baseball cap thought he could do the exact same thing. Before 2003, poker was cool. But now that everybody and their mothers play it, follow it, practice it, live it, breathe it, it's not.

Well, in case you haven't been able to figure it out yet, poker is dead. What killed it this time? Being used as a plot device in a romantic drama starring Drew Barrymore.


This one ranks up there...

I had a very strange dream this morning.

I walk into the youth center of my former hometown of Carrington. About 6 PM, and it's starting to get dark outside. I walk towards the back of the building, and there are about 6-8 people from my past. In the dream, they're all my friends, even though some of them are/were my sworn enemies. And they're from different parts of my past. Kids I grew up with in Carrington, kids I went to high school with on Kwaj, kids I lived in the dorm with at NDSU, you get the point. Mostly female acquaintances, but there was at least one guy there. All dressed in bright blue scrubs, since they are all nurses.

They recently got back to town, after leaving work for the day (for some reason, Carrington is almost a home base for a massive amount of nurses that work in various hospitals within a 100 mile radius, and the youth center is their favorite hangout). They're sitting around, talking, drinking beer. I sit down and ask Carrie (yes, that Carrie) if the "LaMoure crew" (LaMoure is another town in North Dakota) has come back yet. Carrie thinks that they are still an hour away, due to long drive. Then Nick Frye (one of those sworn enemies from my past) says, "Why, what's up?". I respond that I'm looking for a friend, who goes by the alias "Dan Black". Dan Black is really actress-turned-nurse Katherine Heigl. And only Carrie and I know that (at least, out of the people sitting in the youth center). The reason I'm looking for her is that I want to ask her out on a date (I used to have a big crush on her about 5 years ago).

So I sit and debate what to do. Stay and wait for her to show up? Leave and come back later? After going back and forth in my mind about it for about a minute, I decide "Fuck it, I don't want to wait" and start to head outside. As I approach the front exit, I see a group of nurses in maroon, crossing the street and about to walk into the youth center. Katherine is in the group. They must have got back early or something. So I stop her (the rest of the nurses, which includes Jen, my friend Greg's fiance, go inside), and I start talking to Katherine and ask her out.

Now here's where it gets REALLY weird. It's almost like the focus of my dream shifts from the dating storyline to this new one. After I ask Katherine out and she accepts, we hear some loud arguing from the middle of the street, just around the corner of the building. We're curious as to what's happening, but we can't see from our vantage point, so we start walking over (this is the exact moment that the storyline changes). I don't know what they were arguing about, but cool heads prevailed in the end. They shook hands and starting walking up the street together, when an old '50's style convertible pulls up to them. About 3-4 guys and a girl were in it. Two of the guys hop out. Everyone not in the car do this kinda group hug thing, then they all put their arms around each other and walk up the street together. The guy on the left end, which was one of the two original guys arguing in the street, stops, turns around, turns back to his friends (who are about 25 feet up the street from him, continuing to walk up the street), then gets shot in the stomach from an unknown assailant (there were no obvious gunmen in the vicinity; so I'm thinking it was maybe a sniper from across the street or something), and dies.

Then the whole thing starts playing out like a Law & Order episode, complete with Detectives Briscoe and Green interviewing witnesses and whatnot. Right after Briscoe would make his smart-aleck remark before the opening credits, my dream ends and I wake up.

Friday, April 20, 2007

Watch him as he goes...

Why is Dr. Gregory House one of my many heroes? He speaks his mind. Doesn't matter how offensive or crude. And when he's right, it doesn't matter what he says. He comes in, saves the day, and everyone stands in awe, pretty much giving him carte blanche to do whatever the hell he feels like.

That's the way I want to live my life. When I'm at work, and I've gotten the job done, then leave me the hell alone. Unfortunately, I'm not a big enough of a jerk to hurt people with complete disregard for their feelings. So I'll just watch my hero. And live through his self-satisfaction.

Monday, April 16, 2007

Weekend at Vernie's

Fun things I did while I was in the Twin Cities area this weekend:

-- Took Friday off from work.
-- Hung out with Vern.
-- Played RBI Baseball (thanks again, Jesse Orosco) and Tecmo Super Bowl (damn you, Video Bo Jackson!!) on the big screen with Vern and Jared.
-- Won a beer, thanks to a Carl Crawford inside-the-park home run.
-- Laughed at Jared when he found out that he had to buy Vern and me each a beer when Carl Crawford hit an inside-the-park home run.
-- Tossed the apple around with The Dude.
-- Set up a wireless network in Chez Smith.
-- Enjoyed a gorgeous afternoon filled with warmer weather and sunshine.
-- Petted the world's fluffiest kitty, Petey.
-- Yelled at the world's most annoying cat, Petey.
-- Bought an HP LaserJet 2600n printer at the Maple Grove Best Buy for only $299 (regularly priced at $399).
-- Went to a couple of Twins games (a 4-2 Friday loss to and a 12-5 Saturday victory against Tampa Bay).

I only wish I could have gotten in a round of golf, drank more alcohol, and hung out with JB.

Monday, April 9, 2007

Is that allowed?

Are student-athletes at Florida State and The University of Miami allowed to drink Gatorade? What about the Gators' SEC rivals? Or the South Central Louisiana State University Mud Dogs?

And does Nike make any Duke athletic appearal with the Jumpman logo? If they did, I would think that UNC would probably revoke Mike's diploma...

Well, maybe not; it's not like he needs it. But if I was UNC, I would. Because that's just the kind of guy I am. :)

Friday, April 6, 2007

I was in my bedroom closet this evening, going through my box of momentos...

Birthday cards, high school yearbooks, wedding invitations, movie ticket stubs, trophies, sport jerseys, report cards...

And I realized something. It's important to remember where you come from... you can go back there one day and destroy everyone who wronged you!!

Aha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!

"Is he joking?" Do you really want to find out...?

Tuesday, April 3, 2007

If I ever met John C. McGinley, I'd briefly rub nose, fold my arms, and give him a long, hard, Dr. Cox-like stare. I'd stand silent and motionless, looking right into his eyes with equal parts of anger and indifference.

Then I'd start to laugh and give him a great big hug, just like J.D. would do.

Right before I got punched in the face.

And it would totally be worth it.

Friday, March 30, 2007

Happy(?) Birthday

So, tonight, Eric Clapton is playing a concert at the Fargodome. Today is also his birthday. He turns 62.

Now, I know that's not any kind of particular milestone, but still... He's a guitar god, a world-renowned rock star. You would think that he'd rather be doing a thousand other things that play a concert in podunk Fargo on his birthday.

It might explain why tickets were $75 each though. Maybe. Doubtful.

Tuesday, March 27, 2007


Now I know why they call him "The Heartbreak Kid"...

Watch this

Why, Shawn Michaels, why?

Sunday, March 25, 2007

I was wrong

I thought I recognized the chick in the new RGX Body Spray ads.

Nope. Thanks for playing.

I hope I get some lovely parting gifts backstage. Like some RGX Body Spray. Or that chick. Either is fine, but I'd take both.

Friday, March 23, 2007

Student of the Game

As previously mentioned, I've been watching some WWE lately. And with Wrestlemania 23 just around the corner, I've been wondering, "If I was out there, how would I do it?" Well...

My persona would be a geek-like "Student of the Game". The first few weeks I appeared at the live events, I'd have a variety of tech gadgets (laptop, video camera, etc.) or just a simple notepad and pencil to capture and record data on various matches. Then break down each and every move and match. Gather up a big stack of stats. I'd also ask other wrestlers for advice. Listen to them, learn from them. Know every competitor inside and out. Before performing in my first few matches, I'd share my knowledge with a few guys, each time directly leading them to victory.

I think I'd be a babyface (good guy). Very polite and respectful. Gracious for being given the opportunity to work for the WWE. Depicted by some as a "nerd" for my approach, I might need a bodyguard. Some muscle to protect a guy of my relatively smaller stature. Maybe John Cena (for my similar "hustle and respect" demeanor) or Triple H (aka "The Game", under his tutelage I literally WOULD BE my persona). But I think I would want the only man that would be crazy enough to follow me into pro wrestling.

John Breneman.

With JB, we fight all the way up the ladder to become Tag Team Champs. And we'd hold those belts for a very long time. Say about a year. Then, and I know it would be coming, I just don't know when.... BAM!! He assaults me after a match and turns heel (bad guy). From there, we constantly battle each other. My scientific approach versus his power game. Brains v. brawn. And in an epic, mammoth, historical Wrestlemania main event, I win the WWE Championship.

Totally awesome.

Sigh. If only he was still in Fargo, we could play this out on his XBox 360.

Tuesday, March 20, 2007

No... more... pie...

My body always makes me pay for it, but I love having tacos for dinner. They are so awesome when I make them myself, but they make my gut feel bloated and put the lower sections of my digestion track into overtime. They burn my tongue and make me sweat, but week after week, I still belly up and devour them like they're the best thing in the world. And they are.

They'd be even better if I could find someone else to make them for me. :)

Friday, March 16, 2007

Old Man

There are two things that make me feel old:

1. The members of my favorite bands are approaching or have past the 40-year old mark. How can I feel young rocking out to my favorite bands when they're closer to 50 than 30?

2. 20-year old pro athletes making an assload of money. That's been making me feel old for three years now. Joe Mauer, I love everything you're doing for the Minnesota Twins, but dammit kid!

Thursday, March 15, 2007

Grab a mop...

ImTOO DVD Ripper Platinum v4.0 for Windows.

Rip DVD's to various video formats, INCLUDING those playable on an Apple iPod Video. If I so wanted to, I'd convert all my favorite music videos on DVD (Weezer, Creed, RHCP, Offspring, blink-182, BNL) and put them on my Video iPod. Well, I'd buy a Video iPod, then rip.

The only catch? I don't think it's an American company. No phone numbers for support, bad English grammar, WHOIS search says the domain belongs to TUCOWS.

However, good coding skills knows no language boundaries. If you can create a quality product, then I should reward you with my American dollars.

Wednesday, March 14, 2007

Where are the simple pleasures?

Gum used to be fun.

The main purpose of gum these days seems to be fresh breath. Minty flavors. Thin strips.

Where's the Bubblicious? Hubba Bubba? Bubble Yum? When I chew gum, I want to blow bubbles. I want flavors like grape, orange, green apple. I don't want to have to stop by Scheels every time I want a delicious, enjoyable piece of gum.

They just don't make things like they used to.

Saturday, March 10, 2007


The movie "Go"...

That's the last thing I'd expect to see on Lifetime. Even if it is midnight.

Oh wait, I'm watching E!. Never mind...

Friday, March 9, 2007

Tuesday, March 6, 2007

I hate Hollywood

Now, I know what you're thinking. "Why do you have your panties in a bunch THIS time?"

"The Dead Zone" is a successful detective-type show on the USA network. Single-handedly revived Anthony Michael Hall's career. But I'm trailing off.

Hall plays a guy who sees things. Dead people, sometimes. Uses the information he gets from his visions to solve crimes/prevent bad things from happening.

Sounds good...

...Until everyone else started doing it too.

NBC's Medium
CBS's Ghost Whisperer
FOX's Tru Calling

NBC is coming out with another soon. "Raines".

Please. Make it stop. Come up with a new idea.

Better yet, give me sacks of money and I'll do it for you. I might come up with some real crap, but at least it would be original.

Monday, March 5, 2007


What is this live-action crap on Adult Swim? Tim and Eric Awesome Show Great Job!? Saul of the Mole Men?

Let me make it as simple as it can possibly get:
  • Futurama
  • Family Guy
  • Aqua Teen Hunger Force
  • Harvey Birdman, Attourney at Law
  • SeaLab 2021
  • The Brak Show
  • Robot Chicken
  • Moral Orel
  • The Boondocks

That gives you three solid hours of animated goodness. What is so hard about that? Seriously.

All the cool people are named John...

John Mayer - singer/songwriter/guitarist
John Cena - WWE champion
John Breneman - the best bud a man can have
John C. McGinley - actor, plays Dr. Perry Cox on "Scrubs"
Johnny Bench - Hall-of-fame catcher
Little John - Robin Hood's right-hand man

The list goes on...

..but how could I forget the greatest John of all?!? I should be shot...

Two-time Super Bowl winner. John. Elway.

Saturday, March 3, 2007

Taking it back

Anyone who knows me knows that I constantly rip on the Scheels All Sports chain of sporting good stores for putting up a sign on a large vacant lot on the corner of 45th Street and 15th Avenue South in Fargo during the 1999-2000 school year stating "Future Site of Scheels," then waiting until late 2004 to begin construction before finally opening in July 2006.

But every time I go in that store, I literally could spend HOURS in there. Taking a look at the Twins merchandise. Getting a gumball or two. Playing with the baseball, golf, and hockey equipment. Heading over to the home entertainment area to play some free Ms. Pac-Man or look at billiards accessories.

I rarely buy anything when I am in there, but just the thought of owning some of that phat lewt... If I had a million dollars, I'd need a couple of large moving vans to help me haul my purchases home.

Call me!

Maggie Lawson, if you're reading this, the answer is "Yes, I am available to take you out to dinner."

And yes, I will also help you update your website.

Thursday, March 1, 2007

My dream died today...

And I was so close...

It's been a pretty mild and uneventful winter here in Fargo. I was really hoping to go the entire winter without having to shovel my driveway. Got some snow last Saturday night, but I was still able to drive out. I cleared some off with my shovel, but most of it melted throughout the week. A winter storm came through the area starting last night. I got out of the garage without a problem this morning, but it took three or four tries for me to get over the hump and back in when I got home from work. Thank god for first gear.

I can't wait for global warming to get here...

Monday, February 26, 2007

Can't keep a good dog down

I was thinking this weekend (I was bored). I should really get my personal website back up.

First thing, I went through some pics. Fond memories. I'm gonna have to buy a digital camera...

Then today, I considered a new color scheme for my site.

But I can't decide. There are just too many pretty colors. Do I go for light blues? Navies? Purples? Reds? Greens? Oranges? I just can't choose.

Do I have crayons...? Hmm...

I used to go with multiple color schemes, one for each section of my website. Then I consolidated at the advice of a friend.

Let me know if you have a suggestion.

Sunday, February 25, 2007

Return of the Fritz

Well, I guess I'll make this official. I'm back.

I've been debating it for a few weeks, but have no had enough desire to take to time to sit at my keyboard to write.

Here's what happened since Dec. 2005:
  1. I let World of Warcraft consume my life. Big mistake. Sometimes 6, 8, even 10 hours a day. I never should have accepted the promotion to Guild Master.
  2. Parents moved from Hawaii to Colorado. They came to visit twice. Each occurrence was a Thurs.-Tues. weekend.
  3. Moved to application development at Phoenix International for about 3 months, before finally getting rolled over to full-time desktop support technician.
  4. Improved my Linux-y skills, thanks to my guild website.
  5. Preparations to sell my parents' house and move into an apartment.
  6. I'm starting to recruit golf buddies for the upcoming summer. I would have picked up golf last summer, but I couldn't spare the roughly $300 investment for golf equipment as a temp.
  7. Bought a laptop, so I can sit in my recliner and surf the 'net.
  8. Watching Scrubs, Star Trek: Voyager, Adult Swim, House, and WWE Raw. Yes, I know it's fake. That doesn't make it any less entertaining. If you have a problem with that, I got two words for you: SUCK IT!!

I guess that's about it. No guarantee as to how often I'll blog in the near future. Oh well. *shrug*

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