Sunday, July 25, 2004

Why were they called "8-track" cassettes?

You know, I'm guessing that the only person who finds Andy Dick funny is Andy Dick.

Top 10 teams I'd like to see win the World Series: Twins, Cubs, Red Sox, A's, Cardinals, Astros, Rangers, Phillies, Dodgers, Angels.

A fun skill to have would be the ability to stop your involuntary body functions (read: breathing and heart-beating) on a whim. I would love to take a blow to the head or torso, then fake everyone out by falling to the ground, closing my eyes, stop my breathing and heartbeat, and have them think I was dead. Then popping awake and scaring the crap out of them. Unfortunately, I probably couldn't hide the grin on my face or hold back the laughter. Still a neat idea though.

The City of Fargo will not be happy (read: stop growing) until half the population of North Dakota lives within its city limits.

Did you see the Twins games this weekend? Those hideous powder blue uniforms.  What were they thinking?

In the words of Mr. Burns: "Non-violence never solves anything!"

Monday, July 19, 2004

What right or reason does Sum 41 have to "Rock Against Bush"? They're CANADIAN!! They have no right to say who our leaders should be or what they should do. If they got a problem with W, go back to Canada, eh? Those hosers.

I want to build a Human Foosball table. A REAL one. With actual people. But I do recgonize two possible problems. One is safety. How do you design a harness that can safely hold a human in place? You'd need something to keep their feet/legs in place. Ideally, you'd also want them to keep their hands at their sides, but you want to give them some method to defend themselves. Helmets would be required, obviously. Second, turning the people. You'd need to rig up some gear system so you can make a normal foosball-type handle to turn a much larger version. And the person spinning the foosball players would probably have to be standing on a platform above the action, so they can see the whole field.

I'll gladly pay more for my groceries if it means that someone will bag them for me.

If today is your birthday, Happy Birthday!! If not, Happy Unbirthday!!

Have you seen that show "Quintuplets" on FOX? The one with Andy Richter.  Did you notice how extremely portrayed their characters are? First, you got the short boy, who's a lot like Bud Bundy, but he doesn't come off disgusting, like Bud. Then, there's the stupid guy. He says a lot of the same things you'd expect a kid like that to say if he were stoned. Next, is the athletic, popular guy. Finally, there are the two girls. They're kinda like the two girls on "8 Simple Rules", but again, taken to more of an extreme. The popular blonde is even more worried about popularity, while the cute mousey brunette girl is just a little more anti-establishment than her ABC counterpart. Each kid is a stereotype of the teenage population he/she is trying to represent.

Wednesday, July 14, 2004

I've got a face for radio...

On my way to work this morning, I was listening to the radio. On FM 105, they were playing "Jane's Box". It was a matching game. Each letter had a prize associated with it. Pick two letters with the same prize, and win that item. There were two letters left. E and B. I called in. And won some rubber vegetables!! w00t! Oh, and a butter dish. Score!

Tuesday, July 13, 2004

I wish I was a famous celebrity, just so I wouldn't feel awkward and uncomfortable about approaching and talking to famous celebrities.

There needs to be an IMDB-esque database/website for music videos.

Maybe the reason diseases aren't being cured is because the reasearchers are too worried about their own job security. For example, Dr. Foo does AIDS reasearch. If he were to find a cure, he'd get worldwide recognition and be remembered for generations. But he'd also be out of a job. And so would every other doctor doing AIDS research.

Why wasn't "Dogma" turned into a cartoon? The cast and characters were great. Bartleby, Loki, Cardinal Glick, Bethany, Rufus, Jay, Silent Bob, Metatron, Serendipity, God, Azrael. Kevin Smith is a good writer; I'm sure he could have done an excellent job transforming the movie into an animated series. The world needs more Matt Damon and Ben Affleck arguing and fighting like a married couple.

I wonder, how difficult would it be to make a game like Grand Theft Auto multiplayer? Just add some networking capabilities. Let players work together on a team, or compete to complete objectives or be the most dominant figure in the game. GTA might also work as an MMORPG.

I feel that McAfee makes superior anti-virus products, but Symantec's analysis of viruses to be more complete than McAfee's.

You what would be fun? Putting a cat in a zero-G environment. Let the cat get all freaked out from the lack of gravity. Watch it continuously roll its body over in a futile attempt to land on its feet. The more cats, the better. Hopefully, the idiots at PETA wouldn't start bitchin' about it.

Monday, July 12, 2004

Mother Nature can be such a bitch

I hate storms. Specifically, severe thunderstorms and tornadoes. The Fargo area has had some nasty weather since about 8 PM on Saturday. Heavy rain, hail, lightning, thunder.

Saturday evening, I tried to drive home in it. I only had 3 miles to go from Applebee's to my house, but it seemed like it took forever. I didn't go any faster than 25. Then, at the intersection of 13th Ave South and 38th Street, a van was going east on the westbound lanes. And he wanted to turn left (probably to get into the correct lanes of the divided avenue). I would have changed to a different lane if there weren't two very large semi-trucks in the lane to my right. As soon as those trucks progressed to a point where I could pull behind them, the van finally got into the correct eastbound side of the street. Shortly after that, the hail started coming down. I couldn't see it with all the rain, so I had no idea how big it was. But I knew it was hitting my car. I didn't want a large piece to come through my windshield and cause me to get into a fatal accident. As I was coming down 45th Street, my car started hydroplaning. Not fun. I was worried I'd lose control. Lastly, on my way over the interstate, a truck on my right sped up and splashed so much water on my windshield. I couldn't see nothing. I slowed down, but didn't want to get hit from behind either. I don't ever wanna drive in that crap again.

Anywho, my previous point. I hate storms. They bring so much uncertainty. I don't know where it's going to go or what it's going to do. And I have no control over the situation. I'm at the mercy of God and Mother Nature. Like waiting for a jury to reach a verdict and sentence you (if applicable) when you're on trial for a felony. I just have to sit and wait it out.

Thursday, July 8, 2004

What have I been smoking?

I had a really strange dream last night.

I was sitting in the living room of the house I lived in during the mid 80's to early 90's. I was watching TV, and my tiger was lying on the floor close to me. Every once in a while, something would peak his interest, and he'd pop his head up, just like a common household cat. And each time, I looked him straight in the eyes and said "NO...", trying to discourage him from hunting down the object that got his attention. I could see the killer instinct look in his eyes. It scared me a little. But I kept thinking to myself, "Stay firm, don't show him you're afraid, just hold your ground, and he'll respect you and listen." He'd put his head back down and continued lounging around.

After doing this a few times, this person showed up in this strange bear costume. The "bear" sat down on the couch, crawled out of the stomach of the costume, leaving it behind to sit. It was Avril Lavigne. And she was crying. She was upset about something. I don't remember what. She sat down on my lap, perpendicular to my sitting direction. I put my arm around her and started to console her. I wanted her to tell me everything that went wrong. And she did. And it did help her feel better.

Yeah... So, I'm crazy. But I think that's a given at this point.

Tuesday, July 6, 2004

Waiting for a jet plane

Three thoughts when I was at the airport today:

1: Would running up the down escalator be considered a security threat? Usually goofy and/or dumb people do this, and few of us think anything of it. But with the way things are since 9/11, I dunno...

B: I'd like to hang out at the local airport when that car dealership brings in new cars for the main floor lobby. Yes, the Fargo airport is so small and pathetic that dealerships use it as a satellite car lot to sell their vehicles.

Three: I remember #3. I think...

Why don't they wear seat belts on "Star Trek"? Let's think about this. You wear your seat belt in the car. Top speed around 120, but you probably rarely take it up above 80. Holds 4-6 passengers. U.S.S. Enterprise-D can go like Warp 9.5 and has 1100 people in it. Of course, space is wider, and there's a lot less stuff to hit. But if the crew had seat belts, they wouldn't go flying all over the place in battle. Dramatic effect be damned!!
I'm surprised by how caustic and foul-smelling drain cleaner is.

Weezer's Green Album is the first CD I own in which I ripped every song onto my computer.

OK, who's the bassist for The White Stripes? Jack sings and plays guitar. Meg drums. Sure, when recording for a studio album, it's not tough. But what do they do for live shows?

Watch "Law and Order"? Ever notice how all the dead bodies are randomly found by NYC citizens? I don't believe that's very realistic. OK, assume 25 episodes per season (about 8 months long). How many murders are there in the Big Apple during that same late September to mid May time frame? The numbers just don't add up for me.

The only thing worse that cute kids in TV commercials are cute animals with kids' voices.

I've seen these commercials for a casino in the Red River Valley region, where they have washed-up bands from 20 years or longer ago come in on a regular basis. And I got to thinking. I hope my favorite bands of today don't have to resort to casino tours to eke out a living in 30+ years. And I REALLY don't want to be 50 and attending those shows, which might be the only chance I'd ever have to see them.

It's been raining for the last few days here in Fargo. How appropriate...

That's it. I got nothing.

Monday, July 5, 2004

The Paul Fritz Invitational (insert sport here) Tournament

When I get rich, I'd like to host 6 celebrity sports tournaments a year. I'd have hockey in January, basketball in March, softball in May, golf in July, soccer in September, and flag football in November. Each would consist of 8 teams. With the obvious exception of golf, the teams would be split into 2 pools of 4, then seeded for a single elimination bracket to determine the winner.

The whole thing would be for charity. Every player and team would be playing for the cause of their choice. Each member of the winning team would get $5,000. Each captain would get $10,000. The winning team gets $25,000. Every participant gets $2,000, and every team gets $10,000. For the golf tournament, the overall individual winner would get $10,000.

Teams would consist of musicians, actors, former pro athletes, my friends, and me. No pro athlete can play in the tournament that he/she went pro in (example: Tom Glavine and Cal Ripken Jr. could play in the hockey and soccer tournaments respectively, but neither could play in the softball tournament).

Teams sizes are as follows: 11 for hockey (2 lines, 2 defensive pairings, 1 goalie), 8 for basketball (5v5, 3 bench players), 11 for softball (10 starters plus an extra), 4-man golf teams, 8 for soccer (1 goalie, and 7 players to be arranged in any manner desired by the captain), and 8 for football (7v7 and 1 extra). Players would be split into teams based on their individual ability. The idea is that every team has an equal chance as possible to win.

For each tournament, 2 areas of play would be needed. Again, golf is the exception, where half the teams would start at the 1st hole and the other half at the 10th. Of course, all tournaments would be held in Fargo.

After a winner has been crowned, festivities would commence. These would include a music concert, several video game stations (most likely with the same sport as the tournament), an awards ceremony.

Thursday, July 1, 2004

Two quick things

1. Why didn't Dustin Diamond fight Jaleel White, aka Steve Urkel, on "Celebrity Boxing"? The two biggest nerds of the early to mid 90's. I would have watched those two duke it out in the squared circle. That's the problem with FOX. Their programming directors let some stupid **** get on the air.

2. Michael Moore sucks. Read this article. Then, find his movie, download it, burn it to discs, and charge Republicans to use the discs as targets at a shooting range. Finally, use the profits to stick it to Moore even farther up his ass.
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