WANTED: New owners

It's June in United States, which means it's time to fish or cut bait in Major League Baseball.  Unfortunately, the Minnesota Twins are going to cut bait.  AGAIN.

I've so fucking sick and tired of the Pohlad family running that team into the ground.  I refuse to watch any more games until they get new ownership, which will probably happen about a quarter to...  NEVER.

Here's my top ten for who'd make better owners than the descendants of Carl Pohlad, who made his fortune foreclosing farms in the North Star State during the Great Depression

10.    The dead corpse of Kirby Puckett.  Sure, he did some fucked up shit before he left the organization in 2002, but his bones or ashes or whatever became of his body has already done a better job of running the Twins than Carl, Jim, Tom, or even Eloise has ever or will ever done.

9.    Rachel Phelps.  The fictional owner of the Cleveland Indians in the "Major League" series of comedy films from the late '80s and early '90s who wanted to get the attendance of the team so low that it'd absolve the team of their contract with Cleveland Municipal Stadium and allow them to move to Miami.  She was a real piece of shit, but at least she inspired her team to win just to spite her.

Apparently, Calvin Griffin, former owner of the Twins before he sold them to Carl circa 1984, was the inspiration for first movie "Major League", as he had an escape clause after the Twins moved into the Metrodome where *HE* could move the team out of Minneapolis if *THEIR* attendance sufficiently dropped.

8.    Grand Nagus Rom.  You're going to notice a pattern here with most of the names on this list...

If you didn't follow Star Trek, he became the head of the ultracapitalist Ferengi society after Zek, the previous Grand Nagus retired to be with his (Rom's) mother.  Before Zek's retirement, his Ferengi brethren were some of the most sexist, chauvinistic, and greedy people in the Milky Way galaxy, but Rom, as their new leader of commerce was going to bring MASSIVE changes to their society, much to the chagrin of his old, stereotypical Ferengi brother Quark.

Being as atypical of his species as possible, he'd do a much better job of running the Twins than any Pohlad EVER.

7.    Buddy.  He's one of the two cats my wife Amy and I own.  He'd six years old, and a complete brain case.  We joke he only has a single brain cell, and that's being AWFULLY generous.  He gets scared of everything, including but not limited to, his own shadow, Daisy (the other cat we own), loud noises, the lightning storms in his head, his toys, his food, and himself.  Regardless, he couldn't do any WORSE than a Pohlad.

6.    Alex Rodriguez.

I hate the guy.  The steroids, playing for the Yankees...  I'm sure I have other reasons for hating him..

He co-owns the Minnesota Timberwolves, and they've been fairly good the last couple of years, so it's not like he's TOTALLY incompetent, and hopefully that's because he keeps his hands off.  Additionally, he's one of the few people on this earth is MORE hated than current Twins ownership.

5.    The Joker.  Yup, the Clown Prince of Crime from Gotham, whose primary role in the DC Universe is to cause havoc and destruction for Bruce Wayne, Dick Grayson, and the rest of the DC universe have to combat on a regular basis.  Still, he also COULD NOT DO ANY WORSE than the Two Faced villains currently in charge.

4.    Luke Edwards.  The former child actor played Billy Heywood in "Little Big League", where he inherited ownership of the Twins after his grandfather, team owner Thomas Heywood (played by Jason Robards) passes away.  After becoming owner, he installed himself as team manager after firing Dennis Farina's character and lead them to a one game playoff against the Seattle Mariners for the American League Wild Card spot.  That's good enough in my book in terms of qualifications for ownership, especially compared to the little "men" currently in possession of the Twin Cities' MLB team.

He's also got the benefit of his mother being played by Ashley Crow, the ACTUAL mother of current Chicago Cub Peter Crow-Armstrong.

3.    A.J. Pierzynski.  Sure, he kinda became a villain in Minnesota after he became a Chicago White Sox, and especially after he got a World Series ring with them in 2005, after a local kid took his spot behind the plate (Joe Mauer).  But I'd still pick Anthony John Pierzynski over Carl and his ilk.

2.    Roger Dorn.  The last fictional character on our list, he ACTUALLY became owner of the Twins in the direct to video "Major League: Back to the Minors" release starring Scott Bakula.  He might have had a shortstop and a second baseman who hadn't turned a double play in nearly a month because one had a bigger shoe contract than the other, but Twins issues were peanuts compared to what is happening in the Minnesota front office and their balance sheets right now.

1.    ME!!   Seriously, I could do a much better job with a single nickel, which is way lessthan what the Twins are worth right now (and the hundreds of millions the Pohlads' want for their squad in the open market).  Five cents may be OVERPRICED, given how well the Twins have done since they set Target Field on fire nearly a year ago.  But I'm sure I could do more with that nickel than the Pohlad clan have ever done with their BILLIONS...

Having a Blast (or five)

I've been on a huge Green Day high the last couple of months. No, not Mary Jane, but the band. Partly because their recent commercial success permanently solidified them as my #3 band, but I'd also like to think it's because my Minnesota Twins have battled back from being 3.5 GB of Chicago to leapfrog them and Detroit for the AL Central lead. It'd had me thinking about one of my many fantasies: becoming the first player in MLB history to hit 5 (yes, FIVE) home runs in a game.

I know I stated that if I were a closer in the majors, I'd come onto the field to The Who's "Baba O'Riley". As a position player, however, I'd go with Green Day hits for my plate appearances. I'd rotate through a list of ten or twenty, including (but not limited to) "American Idiot", "Who Wrote Holden Caufield?", "Basket Case". The intros for each song would be played as I make my way from the on deck circle to home plate. If I were to hit a home run, the guitar solo would come over the sound system as I'm rounding the bases, greeting my teammates at home plate, and going back into the dugout. For my place in history, I'd go with these five, in order of game progression (first song for first plate appearance, etc.).

Picture a warm, early September afternoon at Target Field (or maybe Busch Stadium)...

** Geek Stink Breath - A power packed song to get the day started. Something to get the crowd going with a lot of energy (and they're going to need it). I'd start off with a solo home run in the 1st to give my team the early lead.
** Holiday - More energy for more power. And it'd work. A two-run shot in the third breaks the tie and puts us on top once again. Score at this point would be 3-1.
** When I Come Around - Take the tempo down a little bit. Try to play it cool from having a good day at the dish. This fifth inning, three-run homer would increase our team's lead to 6-2. After this third round-tripper, the fans would be giving me a standing ovation, and I'd come out of the dugout non-chalantly for a curtain call. I don't know why they'd be so into it. The game's far from over (as they'll soon find out), and plenty of people hit three home runs in a game all the time. Big deal...
** J.A.R. (Jason Andrew Relva) - Here's where things get interesting. Our opponent has battled back and taken an 8-7 lead on us. I'm coming up in the seventh, with a man on second and a shot at the record books. Only 15 men have accomplished this feat in MLB. With one swing, I become #16 and put us back in front 9-8. I get another standing ovation from the crowd and acknowledge it, showing a little more emotion about it compared to the last one.
** Hitchin' a Ride - That lead became short lived. Our opponent is up 11-9 heading into the bottom of the ninth. I come up with two outs, bases loaded. After a first-pitch ball, their closer fools me once with a nasty slider I swing at (shame on him), then catches me looking at a sweeping curve (shame on me). One more pitch to decide the whole thing. I swing and connect with his next offering, a fastball on the outside part of the plate. I start a VERY slow trot down the line, while I and everyone else in the stadium (including those of us on the field) watch the flight of the ball to left center field, the stringed portion at the end of the bridge comes on the speakers. As the ball clears the fence and lands, Billie Joe screams "SHIT!" and the solo kicks in. Everyone is going crazy. I jump for joy once on my way to first, then shake my right fist as I head to second. I give a big Kirby Puckett-esque fist pump on my way to third, then make the turn home where my teammates are awaiting. They've got a nice three-foot radius cleared out for me. After I touch home plate and raise both my arms in the air in celebration of our 13-11 win, we do a World Series-caliber jumping group hug/mob (like Joe Carter and the 1993 Toronto Blue Jays).

I stay on the field for a few minutes to take it all in, maybe give an interview (where I don't want to talk about my accomplishment, but how we won an important game to put us in prime position in our run into the playoffs). We ride the high of that game into the division lead, League Divison and Championship Series, and finally a World Series victory.

Certaintly a VERY far-fetched dream. But hey, it's for the love of the game, so it's OK.

Best idea ever!!

First Mark Cuban tried to buy the Cubs.

Then he tried to buy the Rangers.

I think Cuban should go after the Dodgers next. Try to save them from the divorce of Frank and Jamie McCourt, like the bankruptcy of Chicago and Texas. One of the biggest media markets in America? Flashy Los Angeles? A team with a very rich history? It'd be perfect!! Exactly what the Dodgers need to get to and stay on baseball's top tier in the current age.

Dome Sweet Dome

As I right this, the Minnesota Twins should be hosting the Baltimore Orioles in the second of a four-game series. Mother Nature had other ideas, as the Twins have been rained out for the first time in almost thirty years.

How was that possible? Easily. The Metrodome. In my opinion, it went before it's time. Sure, it still stands, but the Twins don't play there anymore. It's a shame, really. That place holds so many fond baseball memories...

It's where I saw my first MLB game. Wednesday, August 12th, 1992. Minnesota's just two games back of the Oakland Athletics (their primary rival of the late '80s and early '90s, but that's another story for another day). Minnesota was hosting the Texas Rangers. Closer Rick Aguilera gave up a three-run homer to Juan Gonzalez in the top of the ninth to blow the save and lose the game 5-3. The thing I remember most was the guy in the row behind me, pretending to read a story out of the back-to-school binders handed out to schoolchildren for that evening's promotion, about how Aguilera was the goat after that home run. I still have my binder from that night, and it's currently holding my Twins baseball cards.

I think I ended up seeing at least 8 Twins game at the Dome before they moved out at the end of 2009. I still have all my ticket stubs (except that first one) for those games. Every time I have visited the Twin Cities in my adult life, I've tried to talk my friends into catching a game there. I felt that every time I was in town and we didn't see a game was a wasted trip. My friends Paul and Nikki didn't want to go when I was in the Cities in '04 (Joe Mauer's rookie year) to try out for Jeopardy! No one wanted to see them play the Yankees the day after those two got married in '05. So disappointing...

But my love for that place goes beyond my personal visits. It's about the greatest Twins player of my generation, Kirby Puckett. Game 6 in the '91 World Series? The man single-handedly wins the game staving off elimination and setting up the final chapter of the most historic World Series ever. I hated to see him go too, first into retirement with glaucoma in '96, then into the next life with a stroke in '06.

I could go on. The Baggy in right field. The Plexiglass in left. The turf. Pale Hoser manager Ozzie Guillen bitchin' about the turf and the Piranhas using it to their advantage. "Little Big League" and "Major League: Back to the Minors". The heir to the throne in center field, Torii Hunter, making amazing plays on a near-nightly basis, earning seven straight gold gloves in a Minnesota uniform. The roof messing with opposing outfields. Game 163.

I cannot wait to see a game at Target Field this summer, even if it does get rained out. Baseball is meant to be played outside. I've watched almost every game on TV so far this year, and it looks great. Nothing short of amazing. The house that Mauer will build will serve this team very well for the years and decades to come.

But I'll never forget my first love. The Metrodome holds a very special place in my heart. It will always be my Dome Sweet Dome...

The Democrats are ruining America

President Barack Obama and his cronies are running this country into the ground.

I, like many conservatives, are worried that the Democrats are going to "fix" America by redistributing wealth. Going all Robin Hood-style on the rich and giving to the poor. Punishing financial success. Not allowing capitalism to do its job.

This would be all fine and dandy, but there's one area where they won't do a thing about it. One industry where they'll let the big spenders run rampant. Doing nothing to level the playing, both figuratively AND literally.

Major League Baseball.

Obama's been in office for one year, and the New York Yankees are the 2009 World Series champions. And they have the biggest payroll in baseball, and a new billion dollar stadium to go with it.

Those Democrats are fuckin' hypocrites...

You think I'm crazy? You be the judge...

In the Reagan-Bush years, from 1981 to 1992, the New York Yankees only appeared in the '81 World Series, losing in 6 games to the Los Angeles Dodgers. During the Republicans' time in the White House, 17 different teams appeared World Series (9 A.L. and 8 N.L.). Ten different champions during that time, with only Los Angeles and Minnesota winning multiple titles. There was no crazy free agent spending. Every team had players worthy of being on the All Star team. 20 teams would come into spring training each year with a reasonable chance of winning the World Series. It was wide open. Available to anyone for the taking, the way it should be. What a glorious time for baseball...

Then, Bill Clinton took office in 1993, and everything went to hell. That season, the Yankees went from a 76 win team to an 88 win team, a twelve-game turnaround, finishing 7 back of eventual World Series champion Toronto. In 1994, they were in first place in the A.L. East by 6.5 games over Baltimore before the strike cancelled the season. They made the playoffs every year through the rest of Clinton's two terms, winning four division titles (and two wild card spots). Each time they won the East, they went on to win the World Series, going 16-3 in those four contests. No one else had a chance. New York was loading up on free agents, getting the best that money could buy. Small-market teams who had great success in the 80's, Kansas City, Pittsburgh, Minnesota, Cincinnati, Milwaukee; they didn't even have a chance. I was disgusted.

Fortunately, it all came to an end in 2000. George W. Bush took control, and the Yankees were over. Only two world series appearances; 2001 and 2003. Lost 'em both. To expansion teams from the 90's!! It was great. The Yankees continued to attempt to buy the championship each year, but to no success. The Republican from Texas had fixed baseball, and all was right with the world once again.

Still think I'm nuts? I'll go on!!

The Yankees won twice while Jimmy Carter was in the White House, back-to-back in '77 and '78. They were swept in '76 while Gerald Ford was at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue, and didn't even get there when Richard Nixon was living at that address. And although New York did not get to the World Series with Lyndon Johnson in office, they won twice in three appearances under the Kennedy administration. In fact, the last time the Yankees won a World Series while the GOP held power in the executive branch? 1958, during the Eisenhower administation, when they beat the Milwaukee Braves in seven games.

Fuckin' Democrats. If it means keeping the Yankees out of the White House, I'll gladly vote Republican for the rest of my life.

Now is the winter of our discontent

I don't ask for much in this world. A woman to love me. A job I don't hate. Enough money where I can do almost anything I want (within the limits of the law). Immortality.

But for now, I'd settle for a Minnesota Twins World Series Championship. Yes, it's happened twice in my lifetime, but I was 6 and 10 when they won it all. I don't remember watching any of those games, I have no memory of those wins. It's almost as if it didn't happen.

I've seen my football team win the Super Bowl. I've seen my hockey team win a Stanley Cup. I'd like to complete the trifecta in my adult lifetime. Philadelphia did it. St. Louis did it. Boston did it. Florida did it. Even the goddamn Chicago White Sox did it. Why can't Minnesota?

I'll do anything to see it just ONCE. I'll give up all my worldly possessions. I'll find God. I'll sell my soul to Satan. Hell, I'll even become a Vikings fan...

It's going to be a LONG and COLD winter...

This could solve a lot of problems...

Ever since he blew out his knee his rookie season, people are saying that the Minnesota Twins move catcher Joe Mauer to first base. Of course, with Justin Morneau, that's not an option. You're not going to fire your hometown star player's best friend and give him his old job. That wouldn't end well.

If you're seriously going to move Joe from behind the plate, put him at 3rd. He played it in high school, and the Twins haven't had a real third baseman since Corey Koskie. You could solve everyone's problems. Keep Justin at first, get a power-hitting third baseman, keep Cuddyer in right, Kubel DH'ing. Just do it already.

It's just not natural

I love symmetry. When things don't look symmetric, it just bothers the hell out of me.

And no assymetrical things bother me more than major league baseball stadiums. I don't mind the fact that Wrigley Field != Fenway Park != Miller Park. But when left and right fields have completely different dimensions? Ugh...

Thank god for Kauffman Stadium in Kansas City, Dodger Stadium in Los Angeles, Oakland-Alameda County Coliseum in Oakland, and Rogers Centre in Toronto.

I don't know why lefties and righties have to contend with different depths in the outfield to hit balls out...

My REAL problem with Barack Obama

It's not that he's a democrat. Or that he's black. Or that he's going to run this country into the ground.

My REAL problem is that he's a goddamn White Sox fan.

Forget you, Mr. President. My Twins are going to whoop on you and your pale hosers in the second half. And I'm going to do everything in my power to make sure of that...

Addendum

If Albert Pujols does get to 800 home runs (see rant here), I say forgo the 5-year wait for him to go into the Hall of Fame. Just to rub some extra salt into the wounds of those who may not get there, due to their tainted accomplishments.

A $5 on the 5

I'm calling it now. The Machine will get to 400 home runs before the end of the '10 season.

I think 500 and 600 are locks (provided he stays healthy). I'd like to think that 700 is a likelyhood. I'm willing to sacrifice several goats to make sure he passes the 800 mark, and Bonds and A-Roid as well. And I hope he hits every single one of them in a St. Louis jersey (though if he wants to play for the Twins at some point, I won't complain...).

Don't do me like that...

9 home runs and it's still May? 9 home runs in only 21 games? 9 home runs, after a kindey blockage and back problems since the end of the 2008 season?

God, please don't tease me... But can this really be true?

Look, I had my doubts about Joe Mauer ever since he became Minnesota's starting catcher. I loved A. J. Pierzynski. He was clutch. I hated to see him go to San Francisco. And I thought too many people in the Upper Midwest were doting on Joe because he was a local boy. Overestimated. Practically treating him like a savior. Bringing Joe up, in Spring Training, with no one behind him, was a mistake. Those concerns became much greater when Mauer was hurt in the 2nd game of the 2004 season and again later that same summer.

Even if Joe finishes with only 30 home runs this year (and remain healthy the whole time)... I'll take back everything I said about this guy. I just don't want to get my hopes up; I've been disappointed by too many men before him.

Another golden opportunity lost...

I've always said that Major League Baseball lost a great marketing opportunity in 2003...

OK, I've never said that, but I've always thought it.

MVP Baseball 2003 from EA Sports was a good game, mostly because of the awesome soundtrack. MLB should have taken a handful of these songs to make video montages of live-game footage to promote the league and the sport.

Artist	Song Name	Montage Contents
The All-American Rejects	Swing, Swing	home runs
The Donnas	Who Invited You	close plays that throw out runners
Revis	Caught in the Rain	game-ending celebrations
Pacifier	Bullitproof	strikeout pitches
OK Go	Don't Ask Me	heated confrontations on the field
Shinedown	Fly From the Inside	great diving/leaping catches

Heck, you could make a montage with any song on the list and a number of clips and it'd come out great. It'd be free money for MLB.

What a waste, what a loss...

Out here in the field

If I was a closer in the major leagues, I'd want to come out to the mound in the ninth inning to The Who's "Baba O'Riley".

I'd want the entire stadium to go dark for the intro. When the piano comes in, a video highlight reel of me pitching comes up on the Jumbotron, and a single spotlight (or possibly more) would shine down on the entrance to the bullpen (NOTE: this would only really work at a place where the bullpen is behind the outfield fence, like Dodger Stadium or Busch Stadium).

Then, as the drums join in, I emerge from the bullpen and start walking towards the mound. The spotlight follows me until I arrive, then the stadium lights come back on and I start throwing my warm up pitches.

How AWESOME would that be? To be in the stands and see that? Full of awe. Maybe even get goosebumps as the music increases in its intensity. It'd be a little nerve-wracking at first, since the stadium lights would be going out. There may even be a bit of panic. But once you've heard about it, seen it on TV a couple of times, you'd want to be there in person.

And how pissed off would the opponents be, coming up to bat in the top of the ninth, trying to score a couple of runs on me to tie the game or take the lead? Wouldn't you be fuming if you were the visiting team? Especially if you were due up? You'd want to swing with all your power and crush the ball, in hopes of embarassing me. That's the beauty of it; I'd be inside your head with my cocky entrance. I would have already won at that point because you'd be off your game. Not playing the way you normally would.

It'd be a thing of beauty. Now if you'll excuse me, I need to start getting ready for the majors, so I can make this dream come true...

Welcome to Cooperstown

Jim Edmonds: amazing center field defense, World Series ring, AND 378 home runs? If he can make it to 400 (he turned 38 less than two months ago), I say let him in. I don't see how you can argue with that.

I still think it's a fluke. Only 3 back with 70 to go? No way that should have happened.

But Minnesota got lucky. Cleveland is playing like crap (and have essentially given up by trading C.C. Sabathia). Detroit might finally be getting on track. Chicago is playing out of their mind, but with Ozzie at the helm, it could all go down the crapper in an instant.

However, I'm willing to admit, the Twins MIGHT not be half-bad. And if they finish the season with a winning record, I'll say it. I was wrong. In fact, I kinda do want to see them succeed, so I'd be a man about it and tell people that I was wrong.

The Cuban Crusher, the voodoo man with a bad attitude

Dennis Haysbert, you can try to be President of the United States of America. You can be leader of The Unit. You can even try to sell me car insurance. But you will always be Cleveland Indians slugger Pedro Cerrano to me. In fact, you're one of my two favorite Indian players of all-time, with the other being Travis Hafner (only because he's from North Dakota).

Thanks for nothing

Dear Torii,

You had a chance to become the greatest center fielder in Twins history. But instead, you decided to throw it away and go to Anaheim. Sure, you weren't the big attraction for the team. Morneau, Santana, and Mauer are better than you and more beloved in Minnesota, but you were the face of our franchise. You were the leader when the Twins won 4 division titles in 7 years. You helped make this team a contender again.

I guess it's true; every man has his price. I just didn't think it'd be $90 million.

Cleveland 8, Minnesota 3

That's it. It's done, it's over. See you in '08.

Male bovine excrement

People are "applauding" Major League Baseball Commissioner Bud Selig for finally deciding to attend Barry Bonds' games while Bonds approaches Hank Aaron's career homerun record.

For those of you who don't follow baseball, here's how this works. Aaron has 755 career home runs. As of this moment, Bonds has 753. Barry Bonds plays for the San Francisco Giants. The Giants are playing in Milwaukee, Wisconsin this weekend. Before becoming the commissioner, Bud Selig owned the Milwaukee Brewers (commissioners are not allowed to own a team).

Bud Selig did not step up to the plate to honor Barry Bonds. The plate came to him. He's not being respectful of the accomplishment, he's being a lazy son of a bitch. Bud was not willing to travel across the country to follow the chase for the record, so he just waited for the chase to come to him.

Hey, while you're at it, why don't you try to contract the Minnesota Twins again. Or cave into another players' strike. A-Rod needs $89 million dollars a year to play third base in New York.