If you build it, they will come

Why haven't CBS and Viacom created a Star Trek television channel?  I mean, if the WWE can create their own channel with all their original programming...  Each major sports leage now has their own network... FUCK, even MTV is still on the air, and that DETRACTS from American society.

It wouldn't be that hard to fill up a schedule using just the five TV series and 11 feature films.  Take a look:

• 11 feature films (3 hours per movie, 33 hours of programming)
• 79 episodes of the original series
• 178 of Next Generation
• 176 of Deep Space Nine
• 172 of Voyager
• 98 of Enterprise (if you must include that horse manure)

That's 736 hours of Star Trek (including commericals), enough to last you more than 30 days of 24-hour coverage.  Throw in some specials, like Beyond the Final Frontier.

And you don't have to air everything in chronological or production order.  Think of how many marathons you can do, tying episodes together.  Q episodes, Worf episodes, Borg episodes, time travel episodes.  30-40 major cast members amongst the five series, air a block of epsiodes featuring each character they play on their birthdays.

Hey, the jocks have their TV networks.  So do musicians, history buffs, kids.  You name it, there's at least one channel targetted towards a very specific demographic.  And nobody is currently airing DS9 or Voyager, and I barely see TNG on cable these days (a couple episodes on SyFy and BBC America per week).  If you build it, they will come.  From every quadrant of the Milky Way galaxy, we'll tune in, and we will enjoy it.

Why does almost every hero on TV, in the movies, and in print, have to be dark and troubled? I mean, "Yay!!" for overcoming your adversities, but isn't it getting a little ridiculous at this point?

Most heroes in the real world are just normal people who make the tough decisions to risk their own lives in dangerous situations to help their fellow man. They don't have interesting backstories; they're just like you and me. Unfortunately, that doesn't make for good ratings. There always needs to be that angle. If it's not there, the media has to make one. It's sad.

Doomed from the beginning...

So, a couple of weeks ago, MTV re-branded itself to remove "Music Television" from its network. It was just a technicality, that channel hasn't had anything to do with music for years (and possibly even decades).

Not that I really care. I don't need MTV to tell me what's cool (although they are kind enough to let me know what isn't cool, which is pretty much everything they air). A rotten pile of shit by any other name would still smell revolting.

I want to submit a resume to them to take over as network president, but I couldn't find an e-mail address to sent to. Return it to its former glory. Make the focus on MUSIC again.

I'm sure everyone will agree that MTV has going downhill since the mid-90's. But their problems go back way further than that...

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In an effort to broaden my musical horizons and expand my collection of songs (because MTV sure wasn't going to do so), I ran out to my storage location to find any and all Blender magazines I owned. I knew I had a couple with articles like "500 Greatest Songs Since You Were Born".

While working on backing up my computers, I started reading it. The #1 song on that list is "Billie Jean" by Michael Jackson. Duh. But here's the shocker:

MTV rarely aired videos by black performers, and when they refused to show “Billie Jean,” CBS Records president Walter Yetnikoff went ballistic. “I said to MTV, ‘I’m pulling everything we have off the air, all our product. I’m not going to give you any more videos. And I’m going to go public and fucking tell them about the fact you don’t want to play music by a black guy.’” - Page 78, October 2005 issue.

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There it is. Back in 1983, MTV was run by idiots. Maybe they were more concerned with the bottom line being negatively affected by airing a video by a black man than they were with good music. Maybe they were just racists.

MTV was doomed to fail from the beginning. They should just take it off the air at this point, because it's only going to get worse.

My new career path

I just had a thought...

I should submit a resume to MTV to become the president of the network. Or maybe the director of programming. Or whatever position would give me the power to decide what goes on the air and what doesn't.

I don't see how I'm any less qualified than the bozo monkeys that are currently running the show...

I'd buy that

CSI has been around for ten years now, a top 10 ratings juggernaut for CBS (coming in at #10, 2, 1, 1, 2, 3, 5, 5, 4, and 7 each season), spawning 2 spin-offs in Miami and New York, and the basis of 8 video games across the three shows.

However, I prefer NCIS. The characters are more personable, the show has more humor, Gibbs is sexy; I could go on. I also think Spike TV killed CSI by airing 30 episodes every night for the last 7 years. And no episode will ever be as great as the Quentin Tarantino-directed fifth season finale Grave Danger... I'm getting off-topic again.

Like I was saying, I like NCIS. It's slowly been building up a fan base over the last 7 years, climbing up the ratings (#26, 22, 16, 18, 10, 5, and now #1 through the current '09-'10 season). It has one spin-off, NCIS: Los Angeles (also excellent for many of the same reasons). But no video games yet. Kinda disappointing.

You could totally do it. Borrow elements from the CSI games, throw in some Star Trek-like team assembly (Gibbs needs to go interview a witness or suspect; do you grab the charasmatic DiNozzo, the tech-savvy McGee, or the cold-blooded warrior David?). Maybe add some Grand Theft Auto sandbox action (you could follow a storyline, or just going around solving random crimes). Get the folks in L.A. involved as well.

That'd work so well. Someone call EA or RockStar or Ubisoft and have them pickup my cash cow pinata so they can take a few whacks at it.

I don't get it

Every time I watch a cop show on TV, and they're walking through dark areas with their guns drawn, the officers will hold the gun in one hand and a flashlight in the other.

Why is that? Don't they make something where you can mount a small flashlight on top of their pistols? Would a device like that throw off the firing mechanics of the gun and prevent them from being accurate? Do they do this so the gun is easily holsterable in case it's not needed (for example, if they find a missing person who needs medical attention and the scene has been cleared)? Or maybe it's to have the ability to blind a suspect without having to point the gun at him/her?

Can ANYONE explain this to me? Please? Kthnxbai.

This is going to work out nicely...

It's only been 3 nights, but Conan O'Brien's new job looks like it'll be just as good as his old one. I was concerned that he'd have to leave behind some of the best sketches, but after he and Andy talked about the year 3000, I have faith. I kinda wished they kept it the exact same, but what can you do?

I can't wait to see what else they'll be bring over. I just hope that Masturbating Bear, Horny Manatee, and Evil Puppy will be appearing as well. Maybe some Celebrity Secrets or If They Mated. And they gotta get Pierre Bernard's Recliner of Rage and the Walker, Texas Ranger lever.

10 Things I Hate About You. The Series.

Heath Ledger must be rolling in his grave... I know I would...

Um, duh

Instead of trying to remove the idea ball, why didn't the staff at Family Guy just discard ALL jokes about Muhammad? The writers would stop working if idea balls were removed, not if they weren't being used. Theoretically, they wouldn't have done anything about it. Problem averted.

Come on down!!

One of the greatest things in the world. The Double Showcase Winner. How can you not watch it and smile?

In the House

Well, we're in the home stretch now. The last 6-8 episodes of Season 5. In my opinion, it's been some of the best stuff ever. But I still have some questions about which of the House guests will be staying...

Where is Wilson? He's been greatly missed this year. Even after he came back to PPTH, his on-screen appearances have been few and far between. The House/Wilson dynamic is one of the best parts of the show, especially episodes 4 and 5 where James takes Greg to his father's funeral, then returns to Princeton. We need more of that!

What about the ducklings? Foreman is still a part of the team, so no major concern there. Chase is the go-to surgeon, basically taking over a generic role. Cameron... where is she? Too many episodes with her absent! She's being wasted away down in the ER. And Omar, Jesse, and Jennifer are still listed in the main credits. How much longer are they going to be around? It's not that I don't like the new staff; I love them. I just miss the old crew.

Speaking of, why is everyone leaving or being fired? First, Thirteen for missing the diagnosis on her one-night stand, then Foreman for choosing to stay with Thirteen, then House after he went on methadone, and finally Taub last night when he wanted to go work for his "friend" from high school. Doesn't anyone love their job anymore?

And why haven't they updated the opening credits yet? Why are Olivia, Kal, and Peter still listed under "Also Starring"? They've been on the show for a year now (1.5 if you count the games at the beginning of season 4 to whittle the field of 40 to those 3). Shouldn't they get equal billing at this point? We see more of them than the Mod Squad.

Lastly, what happened to Lucas, P.I.? He fell off the face of the earth after Wilson returned. Weren't they going to do a spinoff with him? That's what the rumors on the Internet said. He was an OK guy; he had an interesting, yet fresh relation to the entire cast. I wouldn't mind seeing him make occasional appearances on the show.

I'd give the writers and producers two months to figure it all out, but they've probably wrapped up filming for the year. Or maybe they've gotten it all written down and won't make any further changes. I'm interested in how it plays out, as long as they don't make it any more confusing than it already is.

The March is on!!

Tomorrow is March, which can only mean one thing...

No, not that. But good guess.

It's the Road to Wrestlemania 25. If you pay attention to WWE, you know that the two main events have esentially been set. It's going to be John Cena/Edge for the World Heavyweight title and Randy Orton/Triple H for the WWE title.

And I'm SO looking forward to it. Not those main events so much, but all the possible match ups on Raw and Smackdown over the next month. Among the potention scenarios:

• Cena vs. Triple H (face vs. face)
  
• Orton vs. Edge (heel vs. heel)
  
• Cena vs. Orton (challenger vs. challenger)
  
• Triple H vs. Edge (champion vs. champion)
  
• Cena and Orton vs. Edge and Triple H (challengers vs. champions)
  
• Cena and Triple H vs. Edge and Orton (not only would it be faces vs. heels, it's a reunion of Rated-RKO)
  
• Cena and Edge vs. Triple H and Orton (World Heavyweight vs. WWE)
  

I'd also like to see some DX vs. Rated-RKO, or maybe some Edge and Christian action, perhaps a six-man tag action with wild cards like Shawn Michaels, The Undertaker, The Big Show, the McMahons. That'd be awesome.

Will it happen? Anything's possible. I'm smart enough to see most things coming when I watch WWE programming, but not everything. I'd like to believe that the WWE is also smart enough to get me what I want, but that can be hit-or-miss.

I dunno. We'll just have to wait and see.

Don't call it a comeback!

I gave up on SNL several years ago, about the same time that Will Ferrell left (maybe a little before that, maybe a bit after that).

I might have to start watching again. Old standby players like Darrell Hammond, Seth Meyers, and Amy Poehler. Rising stars like Andy Samberg, Will Forte, Bill Hader, and Jason Sudeikis. And hottie featured players Abby Elliot and Casey Wilson.

Less is more. A smaller cast equals greater laughs. Concentrated for 33% stronger cleaning power. Lorne Michaels and his crew are definitely back on the upswing.

Trifecta

First, he plays a sick priest who lost his faith. Then he reads off the list. Lastly, he works with Santa Barbara's greatest fake psychic.

Jimmi Simpson. Three appearances in one week. Wow.

Well, you've got a new fan in me. Keep it coming.

Lyle does it with style

I frequently daydream about having my own late night talk show. The guests I'd have, the comedy, the music, the format, the control, the fun.

I just hope that once I do get my own show, I can have an intern half as cool as Lyle the Intern.

Classic. Comedy gold. BIAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-TCH!!

Don't quit your day job

Zach Braff is an above-average comedic actor (although the material he's had to work with for the past two to three years has been very subpar; another rant for another day). But he should stick to sitcoms and movies. He just doesn't work as a voiceover guy for commercials. Thomas R. Callahan III has a better chance of selling me a ketchup-flavored popsicle while I'm wearing white gloves.

Sorry Zach, I'm not interested in your water filters or toilet paper. Do what you do best. Try to make me laugh.

It's a start...

David Alan Grier may never be an acceptable substitute for Dave Chappelle, but his two-minute rants at the beginning of each episode? Comedy gold AND pure truth.

Global Decree #87321

When I take over the world, Hugh Laurie will have to speak in his American accent at all times.

What next?

Even after the last three amazing months, where things have just been getting better and better (and better and better), I'm still left with one burning question...

Out of Omar, Jennifer, Jesse, Peter, Kal, and Olivia, who's staying and who's going after this year? Are they all going to stay? They going to change the opening sequence at any point?

This is going to bother me until I get my answer...

Well, there's your problem

They had it up until the point that Amber and James were crying.

Remy's discovery and Lawrence's past were not forced in; I felt they fit in nicely into the story.