It's June in United States, which means it's time to fish or cut bait in Major League Baseball. Unfortunately, the Minnesota Twins are going to cut bait.
AGAIN.
I've so fucking sick and tired of the Pohlad family running that team into the ground. I refuse to watch any more games until they get new ownership, which will probably happen about a quarter to... NEVER.
Here's my top ten for who'd make better owners than the descendants of Carl Pohlad, who made his fortune foreclosing farms in the North Star State during the Great Depression
10. The dead corpse of Kirby Puckett. Sure, he did some fucked up shit before he left the organization in 2002, but his bones or ashes or whatever became of his body has already done a better job of running the Twins than Carl, Jim, Tom, or even Eloise has ever or will ever done.
9. Rachel Phelps. The fictional owner of the Cleveland Indians in the "Major League" series of comedy films from the late '80s and early '90s who wanted to get the attendance of the team so low that it'd absolve the team of their contract with Cleveland Municipal Stadium and allow them to move to Miami. She was a real piece of shit, but at least she inspired her team to win just to spite her.
Apparently, Calvin Griffin, former owner of the Twins before he sold them to Carl circa 1984, was the inspiration for first movie "Major League", as he had an escape clause after the Twins moved into the Metrodome where *HE* could move the team out of Minneapolis if *THEIR* attendance sufficiently dropped.
8. Grand Nagus Rom. You're going to notice a pattern here with most of the names on this list...
If you didn't follow Star Trek, he became the head of the ultracapitalist Ferengi society after Zek, the previous Grand Nagus retired to be with his (Rom's) mother. Before Zek's retirement, his Ferengi brethren were some of the most sexist, chauvinistic, and greedy people in the Milky Way galaxy, but Rom, as their new leader of commerce was going to bring MASSIVE changes to their society, much to the chagrin of his old, stereotypical Ferengi brother Quark.
Being as atypical of his species as possible, he'd do a much better job of running the Twins than any Pohlad EVER.
7. Buddy. He's one of the two cats my wife Amy and I own. He'd six years old, and a complete brain case. We joke he only has a single brain cell, and that's being AWFULLY generous. He gets scared of everything, including but not limited to, his own shadow, Daisy (the other cat we own), loud noises, the lightning storms in his head, his toys, his food, and himself. Regardless, he couldn't do any WORSE than a Pohlad.
6. Alex Rodriguez.
I hate the guy. The steroids, playing for the Yankees... I'm sure I have other reasons for hating him..
He co-owns the Minnesota Timberwolves, and they've been fairly good the last couple of years, so it's not like he's TOTALLY incompetent, and hopefully that's because he keeps his hands off. Additionally, he's one of the few people on this earth is MORE hated than current Twins ownership.
5. The Joker. Yup, the Clown Prince of Crime from Gotham, whose primary role in the DC Universe is to cause havoc and destruction for Bruce Wayne, Dick Grayson, and the rest of the DC universe have to combat on a regular basis. Still, he also COULD NOT DO ANY WORSE than the Two Faced villains currently in charge.
4. Luke Edwards. The former child actor played Billy Heywood in "Little Big League", where he inherited ownership of the Twins after his grandfather, team owner Thomas Heywood (played by Jason Robards) passes away. After becoming owner, he installed himself as team manager after firing Dennis Farina's character and lead them to a one game playoff against the Seattle Mariners for the American League Wild Card spot. That's good enough in my book in terms of qualifications for ownership, especially compared to the little "men" currently in possession of the Twin Cities' MLB team.
He's also got the benefit of his mother being played by Ashley Crow, the ACTUAL mother of current Chicago Cub Peter Crow-Armstrong.
3. A.J. Pierzynski. Sure, he kinda became a villain in Minnesota after he became a Chicago White Sox, and especially after he got a World Series ring with them in 2005, after a local kid took his spot behind the plate (Joe Mauer). But I'd still pick Anthony John Pierzynski over Carl and his ilk.
2. Roger Dorn. The last fictional character on our list, he ACTUALLY became owner of the Twins in the direct to video "Major League: Back to the Minors" release starring Scott Bakula. He might have had a shortstop and a second baseman who hadn't turned a double play in nearly a month because one had a bigger shoe contract than the other, but Twins issues were peanuts compared to what is happening in the Minnesota front office and their balance sheets right now.
1. ME!! Seriously, I could do a much better job with a single nickel, which is way lessthan what the Twins are worth right now (and the hundreds of millions the Pohlads' want for their squad in the open market). Five cents may be OVERPRICED, given how well the Twins have done since they set Target Field on fire nearly a year ago. But I'm sure I could do more with that nickel than the Pohlad clan have ever done with their BILLIONS...
